s1e7: 10 things I love about you
On the importance of self-love and having a sense of humor during the tough times
Shrinking | The lord and savior in our home
“No. I believe that when you have a problem, you talk it over with your priest, or your tailor, or the mute elevator porter at your men’s club. Then you take that problem and crush it with your mind vise. But for lesser beings like curly-haired men and people who need glasses, therapy can help.”
- Jack Donaghy in the 30 Rock episode “Chain Reaction of Mental Anguish”
I got a new therapist last week1. Of course she asked if I’ve done this before. I have, many times. One experience that made me want to quit entirely happened when I was struggling with the fact that my now husband didn't seem to want to ever get married. I shared this with my then therapist who then advised me to give him an ultimatum. My new therapist reacted to that outrageous advise with a normal, “well, that's a first”.
She commended me for not giving up on finding a therapist and I replied with my self deprecating humor, “Well, I don’t have a choice - I can't just lay here and die”.
She said, “you actually do have a choice, and you should be proud that you made the right one. Most people quit therapy after the first session”.
I had many moments in the past two weeks that have highlighted that my self-worth was in the trash. My girlfriend of 20 years said, “ok we really need to go on a hike to improve your self esteem - you’re not a loser, you know that”. But, did I know that? I very much haven’t been acting like I know that. While walking Golden Gate Park with Zak, our friends, and their beautiful golden retriever, I called myself “not very smart”. This sweet hippie on a lawn exclaimed to me, “you’re smarter than you think you are!” Sweet, right? Even strangers are nicer to me than I am to myself.
I’m sorry my favorite comedians taught me well: if you have a shortcoming and your life is falling apart, find a way to laugh about it. No point in sulking, you can just make a funny. I’m drawn to comedians because of the deep insecurity that corrodes our bloodstreams. Comedians are my people: uncomfortably disturbed and nowhere close to remedying it.
“Well, if you don't laugh, it's just cruel”
- altered quote from the How I Met Your Mother episode “Mary the Paralegal” / my go to quote in tough times
I saw a clip of Jason Segel on Conan, coincidentally to promote his show “Shrinking”, where he is discussing that he has to “work a little bit hard at happiness, like internally”. Conan reacts by saying it’s shocking to hear that revelation because Jason is such a ray of light. To Conan, it is uncomfortable that this emotional turmoil is happening to Jason, saying “I wish that was not the case”. No one wants a pity party, and even though Conan was trying to be nice, it made Jason feel uneasy.
“Now I know that no one likes me, hate Jason”
- a note Jason Segel wrote when he was 5 years old, which his parents had frame for him
People will create an appearance to make it all OK for your consumption. No one wants to be a burden, because no one wants to hang out with burdens. That’s why comedians develop their sense of humor. That’s why Jason Segel concluded that weird Conan interaction with “mine’s not that bad by any means”.
I cried at this Ruby Setnik special on YouTube by Netflix is a Joke (no seriously, Ruby is right, why does Netflix have a YouTube? They have a Netflix) - she’s my new favorite comedian:
“Sorry if I come off as weird. I find the experience of being alive sort of profoundly uncomfortable, you know, with little to no relief. Do you guys trust the government?”
- Ruby Setnik
I showed this special to someone who didn’t have a disturbing childhood or a debilitating anxiety disorder, and it made them uncomfortable. But that’s where I feel the comfiest, where we can laugh at all the horrible things that happen in this world. How do you make it out otherwise?
Well, apparently you do need more than self-deprecation and a carefree, sadistic view of the most fucked up things that can happen. I’ve scoffed at affirmations, rolled my eyes at those practicing a rare form of meditation, poked fun at yet another friend running a marathon next weekend, or raised my brows at why a friend would even try bungee jumping. The thing is all these are forms of finding a way to love life and love yourself in the process. At times they seem silly, unnecessary even, but it’s not until you need them that you realize how indispensable these rituals are. (Can’t be sillier than taking ridiculous pictures of yourself in the name of “art” - sorry for all the pictures of me in this post.)
Happy people, even people who love themselves, battle the happiness monster on a daily basis. Happy people fight themselves to go on that run so they can get the endorphins needed for the day. They down that disgusting Metamucil or giant multi-vitamins in the morning to ensure the right amount of nutrients for that day. They forcefully repeat to themselves in the mirror that they are worthy of the things they desire so they can live through that day. They sit through that awkward, painful therapy session to survive. Being happy is not easy. Embrace the absurd, it’ll set you free. Remember, it’s not a straight path, and it is uniquely your path.
You’ll make enough enemies in this world without needing to make yourself one of them. And remember one more thing:
If you’re always looking up, you'll never see how high you are
So I’m going to look down. Down at the list of things that make me who I am and things that I actually don’t hate about myself.
I hope they may inspire you to embark on your own self-love journey.
10 Things I Hate Love About Me
I’ve not let my fears stunt my growth: I made the resolution in my 20s that even though I had a crippling fear of heights, I wasn’t going to let that get in the way of me experiencing the world. Some of the most memorable moments of this heights journey actually occurred in Washington when I lived there for a month. I hiked Rattlesnake Ledge (even peeked off the edge!), ran up Mt. Si during a heavy fog, walked around Smith Tower’s Observation Deck on the 22nd floor, braved the Ferris wheel on the pier, looked down into the ocean from the Bainbridge Island ferry, and stared down at the furious waters hitting the Snoqualmie River.
Up next: Once I accomplish a certain goal, Zak and I are hoping to go to Vegas and try the zip line on the old strip.
I keep starting ventures regardless of their outcome: This Substack is probably the 25th random artistic venture that I blindly jumped into because it sounded fun. Sure, it launched almost a year past its actual inception, but it happened. My staggeringly low self-esteem issues are what kept me from even pursuing writing. Paradoxically, I am a person who hates being told what they can't do, letting the world dictate what they can do. My brain chemistry sometimes imitates a landfill, but it doesn’t let the odds stop it from chugging along. Try it out. People say most regrets come from not even trying - so, try.
Up next: I’m always throwing spaghetti at the wall seeing what sticks. Stick around for my next random project!
I self-taught photography & painting without internet resources: I’m going to sound like your elder now: If I had the resources society has nowadays when I was a teenager, it’d be over for you fools. I learned Photoshop by trial and error when I was 14. I got a CD from a friend to install on my Compaq PC, and the serial number to activate it from some likely fraudulent message board. The robust online resources to learn the program did not exist back then as YouTube was released 2 years before my high school graduation. It was an adventure that I remember rather fondly.
Up next: Actually have a conversation in Portuguese. I definitely am very shy about this one.
I gave up all my possessions and went on the road: I’m honestly amazed at how little hesitation this took. We spent thousands moving every bit of stupid, cheap crap we had accumulated in our 20s all the way to Oregon. When we realized Oregon was not going to be our forever home, we just purged everything. Clean slate. Shut it down. Start over. Few things can feel as liberating as that. I did feel an ache in my heart when the junk removers carelessly threw away antiques that I had hunted down so patiently, saying that things with flaws can’t be donated. It was so challenging to live out of that car for so long, but, wow, what a wildly mesmerizing time.
Up next: I haven’t planned it yet, but I’d love to backpack through this hike.
I am working on being an artist: (I changed this from “I am an artist” cause I’m not ready for that statement yet.) How much money does one need to make in order to call oneself an artist? By Beyonce or Bust standards, isn’t it as artistic to NOT make a cent? While I’ll always be closer to cutting off my own ear, like Van Gogh, than being a total douche, like Picasso, it is any artist’s dream to be able to make money with art so they can keep making art. No artist is going to choose to scramble to make art before the flowers wilt because the job that pays is too demanding or you’re just too burnt out from your life to give a crap about your “side hustle”.
Up next: New exhibit, Rituals, opened in Rome on July 4th, 2025! What a dream to exhibit in Rome. This baby will be on display through the 31st of July.
I am devoted and in love with animals: If you’ve ever been mean to an animal as an adult, just don’t talk to me. Ever. One Christmas, the shelter I volunteered at really needed foster parents, so against my better judgement, I said yes. What happened in the next week with the little Chihuahua, Roomba, is for the books. His rotting teeth had us spending all of Christmas day at the vet. While I waited for poor Roomba to stabilize, Zak went across the street to get supplies for him. While Zak was shopping, our car got totaled. That’s right, somehow a driver managed to total two cars in a parking lot. Everyone survived the night, and Roomba went on to get adopted by The Tiny Chef!
Up next: Who wants to start a nonprofit with me?!
I try to live green: Unfortunately, in Los Angeles, the choice to walk is rare, but if I can do it, I will; and even though public transportation is deplorable, I prefer it. Besides the fact that I hate driving, I do it because I care about this one planet we have. Over the years, I’ve worked on limiting foods that are harmful to the environment from our diet, cooking with what’s in season, and planning our meals carefully to cut down on waste. I don’t buy anything new. For furniture, I’ve been relying on Hutch Vintage (free delivery and amazing quality stuff), Goodwill, or stuff I find on the street that I can restore. For clothes, most of my wardrobe comes from the swap meet, thrift stores, or hand me downs. If you’re a green machine, please guide me!
Up next: Eating my leftovers (or ordering just the right amount of food at restaurants). It’s a vice. It’s like once the food gets in the fridge it gets cooties or something. I’m working on it.
I cherish family more than anything: The year Zak and I got married was a doozy: we found out about my mom’s cancer diagnosis and Grandpa passed away just a few days after our nuptials. For Christmas, we wanted the family to forget that we’ve had a difficult year, so we created a family Christmas game that was all the rage. Zak got so into it that he actually built an app for it the second year! If you give me a chance to be a part of your life, you can rest assured I will make it worth your while.
Up next: I really need to visit my New York family.
I traveled alone quite a bit: I call my time in Europe “the period where I saw the most unwanted male genitalia”. I made a few mistakes on my Europe trip that people with smartphones nowadays would not make. Probably the scariest and dumbest one was taking the overnight train from Venice to Austria as a lone 21-year-old female traveler. In my head I thought, “I’ll sleep on the train and be ready to explore Vienna once I get there in the morning”. At about 2am, I woke up to a man aggressively touching himself with his eyes locked on my body. I’m quite proud that I did not yell or freak out. I put on my nicest chimpanzee smile, grabbed my bag, and slid the f*ck out of that cabin. Yes, this is something I look back at fondly (lol).
Up next: If no art residencies pan out, then I’d love to do a solo car camping trip in San Diego.
I’m a YES MAN: Whether it be ending up at a rave in the Ojai mountains in -15 degree weather, taking a random detour to Munich because I met a cool stranger, or eating fish ejaculation, I seldom say no to something fun or new. Sometimes it’s my adventurous spirit that only knows a resounding “yes”; other times, I just didn’t do enough research and didn’t know what I was getting into. Research is the enemy of adventure! (But no, actually, do some research, share your location with someone and don’t get in trouble - pretty sure that 127 Hours guy would agree with me.)
Up next: More YES!
What are some things you love about yourself? <3
V
Text from my girlfriend after I told her I restarted therapy, “Therapy: the lord and savior in our home”.